Ask the Love Doctor

San Francisco Oakland Berkeley Marin and East Bay Marriage and Couples Therapy Help

Relationship Advice & Support

Do you have relationship questions?

Got a situation in your love life that you want some clarity on? 

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SF Bay Area Relationship and Love advice at North Berkeley Couples Therapy Center

Dear Love Doctor,

I am 26 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years. I thought we were going to be together forever and get married and have a family but now I feel like we are more like roommates than lovers. For the last 8 months we have not been having frequent sex (and it is kind of disconnected when we do) and we don’t really talk much. I mean, we talk, but its about our day, or what we want for dinner and that kind of thing. It feels like the humor, and closeness has fizzled out. I know we love each other but I am not sure what to do. Can you please offer some advice?

— Fizzled Out in SF

Dear Fizzled Out,

I am sorry to hear you and your boyfriend are struggling with intimacy. This is actually quite a common situation that couples find themselves in after the initial honeymoon stage of a relationship is over. 

Most people are not taught how to cultivate a truly sustainable intimacy  that occurs when partners have a secure attachment with one another.  The good news is that through learning more effective means of communication, building connection and safety, couples can have a passionate and profound intimacy with one another.

Attachment based couples therapy can help you learn how to identify problematic patterns that may interfere with successful communication, trust, intimacy and sex.  In Couples or Marriage Counseling, a skilled couples counselor helps you to reconnect to your partner, to validate each others' needs and feelings, and to deepen your bond with one another. 

In the meantime, tonight at dinner, try asking your boyfriend more engaging questions.... rather than ask how his day was (to which he may respond by simply saying "good" or "fine") ask him "what was the best part of your day today honey?" and see how he opens up. Often at the beginning of a relationship we engage in our new lover's life from a perspective of curiosity and interest. This may become less prominent as familiarity and routine settles in. Ask questions as if you were on your first date. Stay with the topic...deepen and engage  with him by asking your partner's feelings, interests, ideas, hopes, fears and thoughts. 

I also recommend reading the book Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson. 


We offer a free 15-30 minute phone consultation if you would like to speak directly with me about couples therapy. You can email or call  to set up an appointment. 

Best wishes,

The Love Doctor

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(510) 982-6401

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